i am my own home

Suddenly nothing mattered no more the moment that I realized I am my own home. There’s no other places to be but here, there’s no other places that I wanna go but to my own scared place that’s in my own being.

Life’s been quite hectic lately, grandma’s still in the ICU, my mom is still worried sick. I felt a little under the weather the past few days but I didn’t tell nobody. Life picks up patterns again and again. People are scared of changes but I think everyone’s quite good at adapting. Once new patterns form, people are afraid to change again even if they’re uncomfortable, people would rather choose to be comfortably uncomfortable than to deal with chaos or the unknown. If that’s part of being a human then I’d rather be an animal.

star

Life isn’t that serious after all. I went to the observatory last night, last minute before they closed. Didn’t catch the last show but one of the telescopes showed a closer look of Mars. It was still quite small -_- but I could see red clearly.

I love looking at the stars, the moment I look up, I realize once again how small we are, how all of the problems we seem to cling on really do not matter that much, in fact, they do not matter at all.

There was a long line for the big telescope, the staff came out and tried to explain to the waiting-in-line’s that nothing special was going on and they were only showing a random star, he said “it’s not spectacular, it’s not a planet, just a random star”, bro really just discredited an entire star-_-, nah, everything is worth it, even if it’s not a planet, it still has its own existence that is irreplaceable, and cannot be replicated.

memories

It has been over a month since I got back in LA from China. Suprinsingly speaking it was the first time I enjoying the time there ever since my childhood. It wasn’t until spending time with all my loved ones again that I’ve realized how much I have missed them. 3 years was a long time to be away from grandpa and grandma. Their wrinkles shock me every time that I see them. They weren't like that at all in my memory. Can you wait for me for a little longer?

Everyone was healthy and happy, I felt blessed. Everything felt so simple, even tho I had to do a driver’s license test and had to study for hours because Chinese driver’s license test is a pain in the ass, for instance they make you memorize “is this situation’s speed limit 50 or 55 or 60” all sorts of tricky questions. The test got 50 questions and you can make no more than 5 mistakes, anyway, even tho I had to study all of that bullshit, and I even paid 60 bucks to narrow downs the 1500 questions to 500 questions, but anyway. I could've chosen to stay there forever and let the happiness last a bit longer but I also knew that my dreams were calling me every second. I have been living and focusing on music once again since I’m back in LA. May everyone that I love find their way.

ps. @my grandparent’s kitchen, that’s my cute ass grandpa in the back